I guess the time has come

I knew it was looming, I could see it on the horizon, getting slightly closer day by day, but, as we all know, you acknowledge it, you ignore it, you hope it won't happen.

But it does.  Of course it is inevitable.

What am I talking about?

The soon to be ending of my time on a 5.5year project, that I've dedicated my time to, in order to try to make a difference in the world.

It's been a blast.  I wished, as expected, to have "just that bit more time to finally get to pull things together to make that bigger difference", but y'know, there does come a time when common-sense outweighs the financially driven objectives & goals of the consultancy company that you work for, I empathise with the client, the company I work for charge a lot, a hell of a lot (5-times more than I get paid - hey, they have "overheads" to pay, like the CEOs $23m bonus for not actually doing anything), so I cannot blame them for making a tough call.

It's not a problem, I mean I have mostly up-to-date skills, I'm "bound" to get another role on another project with another client, somewhere, somehow, surely?

Let's ignore the fact I'm coming up to being 53, whilst in good health & mental / physical fitness, I am what IBM would class as "on a short runway".

It is now, finally, time to realistically ponder my life options.

I have a millstone of a mortgage for an estranged wife, who doesn't / cannot / won't work, is medicated for who knows what illnesses, so expects me to pay the mortgage & all living expenses & running costs / bills, to the tune of the average UK salary per year.  I am obliged to keep the roof over her head.

UPDATE: have agreed to sign over the house to her, so she can have financial security for the rest of her life.  I, however, will start from zero. yes, apparently, I am "too nice"

What would I like to do? 

Jack it all in.  Gather together £3-5k, buy a plot of land in Portugal that I can park my camper van up on, tend my own land, grow my own food & just exist.  Disappear & be forgotten, enjoy the sunrise, become one with nature and enjoy the sunsets.  That will require investigating visas, citizenship applications, learning the basics of the language, we'll see.

Sounds a bit extreme? maybe.  However, what other options do I realistically have? 

Even B&Q is not a valid option nowadays.  What about the IT Industry that you've been in for the past 30 years?  Yeah, that's not what it once was & I'm not saying that all companies are as ageist as IBM, but, well, I did say I was >50 now, so they'll not be looking at wanting to pay me what is needed to cover the bills, etc... as mentioned above.

I did just have a look through online job sites & most jobs are about 50% of my current salary, which I would accept a drop to go & do, however, as mentioned above, I have a dependent to support.  Isn't it at times like this people take out those extra life insurance policies & go for a night time swim or take a kayak out onto the open sea?

Sigh.  I knew there would never be a big firework finale, but, I never appreciated that it would end up feeling like being put out with the recycling bins.

I'm sure the universe has a plan & I just have to "go with it" and see where it takes me.  Being positive, seems like the best & only option.